tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC January 19, 2018 11:34pm-12:38am PST
>> i'm going to be singing a cappella. i've been singing ever since i can talk. >> i want to have fun and it is never too old to have fun and to follow your dreams. and kind of put yourself out there. >> her dream was to be a dancing to mate over. america has got talent airs right here nbc bay area. the next chance to you had a significance february 3rd in los angeles. so book yourself a ticket and head on down. >> i know where you'll be. we made it to the end of the week. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- trevor noah, dakota fanning, comedian jeff dye,
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 806, amarillo. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. thank you very much, everybody. thank you, thank you, thank you so much. welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show. you made it, you're here, you're at the best show right now. this is super fun. here's what people are talking about, you guys. tomorrow marks the one year
anniversary of donald trump being sworn in as president. [ audience boos ] so, if you thought the -- if you thought the first year was rough, just wait for the terrible twos. just like -- [ cheers and applause ] "i don't want to wear shoes." you have to wear shoes, donald. [ laughter ] actually, a new poll says that the word most americans use to describe trump's first year in office is "disaster." [ laughter ] when asked to describe his year in just one word, trump said, "really great." [ laughter and applause ] two words. another scandal here, adult film star stormy daniels told "in touch" magazine she had an affair with trump back in 2006 and she took a polygraph test as she shared the intimate details. they had to call it off when the polygraph started throwing up. [ laughter and applause ] but that's -- [ mimics puking ] [ laughter ]
hold my hair! hold my hair! [ laughter ] hold my hair? this is crazy, though, stormy said she once spanked trump with a "forbes" magazine. [ laughter ] >> steve: god. >> jimmy: when trump heard that he said, "fake news. it was a 'highlights' magazine. [ laughter and applause ] and yes i've solved the maze." [ laughter ] well ever since oprah's golden globe speech, everyone has been talking about the idea of her running for president and nobody is more excited about this than our very own "tonight show" correspondent, yamaneika saunders, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i'm back! >> jimmy: i'm happy you're back. you're -- you're back, we're happy to have you. >> yes! >> jimmy: welcome back. >> listen, you know i just had to come back because i'm hearing all these rumors about oprah and listen, it's just stressing me out, you know? black women are at it again, jimmy. [ cheers ]
>> jimmy: what do you mean? what's up? >> listen, it's only january and between oprah and meghan markle, oh, black women are taking over 2018. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so you're excited about meghan markle marrying prince harry too? >> oh, absolutely. this is so historic. this is the first time a black woman has ever wanted to marry a fire crotch. [ laughter ] and let me tell you something, jimmy, i cannot wait to see her in buckingham palace, okay? 'cause, you know, she looks like a nice little princess and all that, but when she get there, that black gone come out. [ laughter ] yeah. she going to be strutting around buckingham palace with a a head scarf and slippers talking about, "where my pork rinds at?" >> jimmy: "where are my pork rinds at?" no. now what -- >> oh, i just got so hungry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like them too. what do you think about -- >> oprah! >> jimmy: oprah! >> oprah! >> jimmy: oprah! [ cheers and applause ] >> oprah! >> jimmy: yes. >> she is going to save us, jimmy. >> jimmy: she's going to save us? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: all right, well, give me an example, what would she do with north korea? >> okay, first of all, if oprah
is elected president, we are not going to war with north korea, we're not going to war with no place where black women get their hair from, okay? [ laughter ] i ain't going to war with no country that keeps my hair popping. [ laughter ] plus, you know she's going to fix that busted prison system that keeps black men in jail 20% longer than white men for the same crime. she going to be up there going, "you get a pardon, you get a a pardon, you get a pardon!" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you get a pardon! everyone's getting -- that's great news. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and too, she would be the first female president. >> yes and we also get our first, first man. well, actually since stedman and her aren't married, stedman will technically be the first side piece. [ laughter ] come on now, ya'll know oprah don't let him sleep over. he going to have to take that walk of shame through the white house every night. [ laughter and applause ] secret service just looking at him going, "look at him. there he go again." [ laughter ] she don't even let him have no key and she won't because it's oprah's house. >> jimmy: that's right it is.
[ cheers and applause ] so before i let you go, do you have anything you'd like to say to oprah or meghan markle? >> yes. meghan, we may be watching you become a princess and oprah, you may be the next president, but every black woman is a a queen this year! >> jimmy: there you are. yamaneika saunders, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> oprah! oprah! oprah! ♪ >> jimmy: yamaneika saunders right there. man, she makes me laugh. well done. this is kind of funny, the other day a dog got some morphine at the vet. did you see this online? it seemed like it had a pretty interesting effect on him. take a look at this dog's face. >> that's the same weekend as her -- >> jimmy: whoa, whoa, whoa, wow! [ laughter ] that dog was like, "what if i drive and you stick your head out the window?" [ laughter and applause ] ruff!
you guys, sunday is the big afc championship game between the jacksonville jaguars and the new england patriots to determine who is going to the super bowl. [ cheers and applause ] now, it's going to be a big game. as you know, at the end of the season they give out the most valuable player award, but they also give out other awards during the season. sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks like "most likely to succeed," "class clown," stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "tonight show superlatives." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: our first player is jaguars offensive tackle william poehls. [ laughter ] he was voted "most likely to be the love child of ron weasley and hagrid." [ laughter and applause ] i didn't know that. i haven't read all the books. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: next up from jacksonville is paul posluszny. he was voted "most likely to have been built in minecraft." oh, hey. [ laughter and applause ]
next up for the jaguars is aaron colvin. he was voted "most likely to take a sip of gatorade and it just dribbles out." [ laughter and applause ] next up from the patriots, we have rex burkhead. he was voted "most likely to get poked in the head by a pool stick and hear someone say 'oh, sorry.'" [ laughter and applause ] "don't worry about it, always happens." next up from jacksonville is blake bortles. he was voted "most likely to be named by a fish talking underwater." >> steve: blake bortles. blake bortles. >> jimmy: next of the patriots is tight end rob gronkowski. [ cheers ] he was voted "most likely to shotgun a capri sun." [ laughter and applause ] next from the jaguars, we have jeremy parnell. he was voted "sleepiest shaq." [ laughter ] that's right. next up in the patriots is chris hogan.
he voted "most likely to slurp his own eyeball like an iguana." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: ew. >> jimmy: next up for the patriots is ted karras. he was voted "most likely to say 'just beer' when a cop asks if he's been drinking tonight." [ laughter and applause ] and finally from the patriots we have stephon gilmore. he was voted "worst gilmore girl." there you go, everybody. [ laughter and applause ] those are your "nfl superlatives" right there. ladies and gentlemen it is the end of another crazy week and since there's too much to talk about, instead of giving you a a full week in review, we've decided to put together a a little montage which just focuses on the key words used this week. it's something we call "this week in words." i hope you enjoy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> doctors visit -- >> for trump himself. >> they checked the president's -- >> mental and -- >> physical health. >> 'cause he has incredibly good genes, but no -- >> self control. >> there's a beautiful country -- >> which he just called a a [ bleep ] hole. >> america -- >> is open for everyone. >> we shouldn't treat people
based on -- >> where they come from. >> certain countries -- >> other than norway. >> they're [ bleep ] hole as our president likes to say. >> global outrage -- >> on a daily basis. >> donald trump is not a a racist. >> big denial -- >> trump doth protest -- >> i am the least racist person you ever met. >> people are judged by who they are -- >> i made a -- >> six-figure payment to -- >> silence a pornstar. >> hush money -- >> deal -- >> so she -- >> doesn't speak. >> it's not even the -- >> craziest thing -- >> that's happened this week. >> hawaii panic. >> disconcert after that incoming ballistic missile alert. >> there was a flaw in -- >> hawaii's emergency plan. >> someone pushed the wrong button -- >> some crazy stuff, man. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: thank you, roots. guys, come back next week on monday, jason momoa will be here. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to go head-to-head in a water war. then later in the week, alex rodriguez will be here. [ cheers and applause ] ice t will be here. will ferrell will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] and we have performances from bebe rexha featuring florida-georgia line. and also, migos. it's going to be good. [ cheers and applause ] but first we have got a great show tonight. he's the host of "the daily show." trevor noah is here, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] i like that guy. plus, from the new series "the alienist," dakota fanning is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and we have great stand-up from a very funny individual, jeff dye is back tonight. jeff dye. you don't want to miss it. we'll be right back with "thank you notes." stick around, everybody. "thank you notes." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. today -- today is friday and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some emails and, of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i was running a bit -- running a bit behind today so, i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers and applause ] my envelopes, my cards -- my -- "envelopes" or "an-velopes?" >> steve: i say "an-velope." >> jimmy: you do? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: do you say "coupon" or "qu-pon?" [ light laughter ] >> steve: "qu-pon." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you say "orange" or "yourange?" >> steve: i say, "yourange." >> jimmy: yeah, that's what i thought. hey james, can you get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ >> jimmy: wow fantastic! >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> steve: oh, my god. >> jimmy: unbelievable. not even looking at the keys. >> steve: no, doesn't even need it. 2018, baby. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: he's blinking so he's real -- he's a real person. [ laughter ]
>> steve: he's trying to send us a message. >> jimmy: are you being held hostage? [ laughter ] oh, my god. somebody save her right now. [ laughter and applause ] i don't think he is. i don't think he is. >> steve: oh, no. i think he's okay. >> jimmy: he seems calm. >> steve: he seems calm. >> jimmy: he seems calm. he's having a good time. >> steve: he just forgot his tie. >> jimmy: he's having a good time. >> steve: yeah. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you -- guy who accidentally triggered a missile warning in hawaii, for basically sending the most extreme "you up?" text ever. [ laughter ] it's like, yeah i'm up, i'm up, i'm up, what -- is going on. >> steve: this is not a drill. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. ♪ thank you sludge, for making snow look like it smoked two packs a day for the past 20 years. [ laughter and applause ] "happy holidays, happy holidays kids." [ light laughter ] "go sleigh riding, throw your snowballs, whatever you feel like doing. have a great time. it's the wintertime, where your ski hats, your galoshes, and your what-not. god bless, you kids."
[ light laughter ] "can you -- go to the store for me? wait -- i have -- couple of coupons." >> steve: "wait, you got some coupons?" >> jimmy: "i have a couple coupons i cut out." >> steve: "oh, it's okay." >> jimmy: i actually didn't even cut them out, i burned them out with my cigarette. [ light laughter ] ♪ thank you, saint's wide receiver, tommy lee lewis after the vikings stunning victory. for looking like everyone the moment they realized they left their phone in an uber. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, cracklin' oat bran, for giving humans the chance to eat cat food. [ cheers and applause ] hey, i like that stuff. >> steve: it's tasty, sure. >> jimmy: i like all that stuff, man. >> steve: you love it. you love grape nuts, you love all that stuff. >> jimmy: i do, i love grape nuts, yeah. yeah. i dig it. man, i eat it really quickly though. >> steve: do you eat it fast? do you -- he doesn't even chew, you swallow it. [ laughter ] you treat grape nuts like they're tiny -- >> jimmy: no milk, i swallow like their bb's.
when i sneeze, good luck. >> steve: oh, good luck, man. >> jimmy: yeah. bing, bing, boop, bing. [ light laughter ] ♪ thank you, computer updates, for reminding me tomorrow for ten years straight. [ laughter and applause ] everything is working now, i don't need this. >> steve: yeah, man, it's all good. i won't miss another. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, winter coat pockets for being a time capsule filled with tissues from last spring. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you flu season, for forcing me to figure out how to get through an entire day just using my elbows. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: here would you hold this? >> jimmy: oh, nevermind, i got it. [ applause ] ♪ thank you, sour cream, for not being called taco yogurt. [ laughter ]
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. standing o. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you get some new york love right there. they love you. >> thank you very much. this is amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's great to see you, pal. >> it's good to be back. how are you? >> jimmy: it's good to see you. i'm doing great. >> you don't have a bandage on your hands. this is nice. >> jimmy: this is the first time i don't have a bandage. >> yeah, every time i see you, you have like a bandage on your hands, and now it's just like, jimmy. >> jimmy: i switched it up this year, yeah. >> nine fingers jimmy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i'll work my way down to just one. number one, man. you're doing such a great job on the show. >> thank you so much, man. thank you. >> jimmy: but it is a lot of work, though, right? i mean, it's packed -- do you have any time off? >> i -- yeah, you know, i feel like you make the time off. like, we've had to readjust our lives now according to the trump news cycle, i feel like, as people. [ light laughter ] so we just go, like -- we know it's like, morning wake -- like, you don't have a cock crowing. you have the tweet crowing. like, you know? that's how we wake up. [ laughter ] and then we just adjust our
lives. we go, what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, and then we chill. >> jimmy: but do you ever get any vacation or anything? >> i do, i do. like, i took a break now in december. i actually went to bali. have you ever been? >> jimmy: no. >> oh, it's amazing. [ cheers ] oh, yeah, if you get a a chance -- >> jimmy: really? >> you should go. like, bali was phenomenal. a lot of people suggested it. i will say this, though. i feel like there should be a a trip advisor specifically for people of color. [ light laughter ] no, 'cause white people like different things on vacations than everybody else, right? [ laughter ] like -- no, 'cause white people -- like white people always give you suggestions of things that you wouldn't want to do as a person of color. [ laughter ] like -- like adventure sports, is like, a very white thing. like, they'd be like, "i want to be like, bungee jumping. i want to do something craz -- i want to feel like life is dangerous." and as a black person, you're like, "that's life." [ laughter ] so -- i don't want to go and do those things. do you know what i mean? getting pulled over by the cops is bungee jumping. i'm fine. [ laughter ] i just want to relax when i go on a vacation. >> jimmy: you live that. >> people are like, "you don't want to go camping?" that was my life growing up. no running water, no food we're like -- no, i don't want to go camping. [ laughter ] i don't want to go back home.
that's like -- i've worked hard now. i want to enjoy myself. so like, bali -- that was the trick. people would be like, "trevor, you got to go to bali." i was like, "what's gonna happen in bali?" "like, it's so unique." [ laughter ] and now i've learned, when white people say unique, they mean poor. but they don't tell you that. >> jimmy: no. >> right, like it's -- so i went to bali. and i was like, "oh this is going to be amazing." and it is. like, there's temples, there's culture, the food is amazing. the people are the friendliest you'll ever meet. but like, what i didn't know was, like half of the trip was just gonna be us seeing people who don't have the best means. so like, we go to a person's house -- and i thought it was like, a temple. and then we talk in, and it's just like -- like someone's -- but "house" is a strong word. it's like a one room -- like it's a kitchen, bedroom, dining room. like a new york apartment type thing, right? [ laughter ] and then we're just standing in the living room. people are like, "oh, my god. look at how they live." [ laughter ] "oh, my god. i appreciate my life so much more right now." [ laughter ] "can i take a selfie with you?" and i'm just standing in the corner -- >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. "can i take a selfie with you?" >> oh, yeah! i was like, never again. but bali's amazing. go there. just don't to go people's houses. just don't do that part.
>> jimmy: no, don't do it. but you're also doing -- you're also on the road doing standup when you have any, like, weekends off. >> oh, i loved it, yeah. >> jimmy: you're off to the west coast right now. >> yeah, like after this i fly to l.a., doing shows in santa barbara and then i do shows in l.a. and then i come back, we do "the daily show." >> jimmy: how do you keep the energy up, though? i mean, i would -- i would be exhausted. >> oh, but it helps when you don't have a family, jimmy. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't even think about that. >> i'm alone. i travel the world by my lonesome. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> no, but you know what? i get the energy from standup. and genuinely, i love seeing america. like, i love going -- 'cause i don't just go coast to coast. i'll go everywhere, like, erie, pennsylvania. i was in cleveland recently, pittsburgh. [ cheers ] i was in -- yeah. i just -- i just go around to middle america. just -- i just want to see everything, every city. >> jimmy: do you have any favorite places you like to perform? >> i'm try -- cleveland's one of my favorites. [ cheers ] gen -- yeah. just like, i feel like cleveland has just like -- they're like, "we've suffered through everything." [ laughter ] there's like a vibe in cleveland where i go. like, when i tell them about africa, they're like, "that's just like here, trevor!" [ laughter ] it's fun. it's fun. >> jimmy: cleveland? >> yeah, we connect. i don't know. we connect. and now there's a renaissance
in cleveland. things are getting better. it's a beautiful place. great people. >> jimmy: yeah. you said that you enjoy the southern accent. >> i do. >> jimmy: yeah, you do. >> i do traveling down south. you know what it is? so, like, my mom is xhosa, right? so i grew up in a xhosa family. and xhosa is very musical. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it has like a bounce to it. and then i find like, the southern accent also has -- it's like, it's got a cool thing. it sounds like people are playing a banjo in their mouths. [ laughter ] it's beautiful. it's like, everything -- when they speak really fast to each other -- like, i was in kentucky doing shows. and i was speaking to some people, and i was like, "oh, what should i do in kentucky?" and the people were like -- [ unintelligible southern accent ] [ laughter ] and it's fun, like -- what's beautiful is -- like, if you have a musical ear, if they're, like, having an argument, it sounds like a a mumford & sons concert. [ laughter ] like, everyone is just going off. and you're just listening to people argue. it's so much fun. ♪ [ imitating banjo ] it's beautiful, you see? >> jimmy: it's actually gorgeous. >> it's beautiful. >> jimmy: that's hilarious. oh, my gosh. [ light laughter ] how do you like hosting "the daily show"? do you enjoy it? >> i love it, man. i love every moment. >> jimmy: you're crushing it, buddy.
you're doing a great job. >> thank you so much, man. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i love it so much. >> jimmy: i love watching it. you got a great team over there, too. >> yeah, man, i'm lucky that i inherited great people from jon stewart, and i -- you know, i was never meant for a job like this in my world. every day's a dream for me. i'm appreciative, i'm happy. even trump i can enjoy on certain days. [ light laughter ] like even -- i know it sounds crazy. but even trump on certain days, i'll be like, "oh, there are things that i laugh about, there are things i enjoy." you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> like i -- like. he's become a part of my life. like i -- like he's a a character. a character that might kill me, but still a character. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah -- so you find the humor and you're just like -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, he's just -- so many -- >> you know what i realized? like, the other day, i sing trump's, like, just catchphrases in my life. like they're lyrics to songs. so i'll just be like, sitting by myself in an airport, and i'll just be like -- ♪ billions and billions and billions and billions and billions ♪ and someone will walk past and be like, "what song is that?" i'm like, "oh, that's just trump talking about his money." and that's -- [ laughter ] it's like a weird -- like today he was talking about chain
migration. that's his big thing. you know? because he doesn't want to, you know, pass the government funding bill. and he's like -- [ as trump ] "chain migration. chain migration." [ laughter ] and like, he always -- it's so rhythmic. like, i realize -- >> jimmy: [ as trump ] chain migration. >> yeah, that's exactly it! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> that's exactly it! >> both: chain migration! >> and if you -- >> jimmy: great impression. i've never heard that impression of him, yeah. >> but if you -- but if you listen to it -- >> jimmy: chain mi -- [ laughter ] >> if you listen to it, it sounds like he's doing a bad rendition of like a bob marley song. it sounds like a reggae song. it's just like -- ♪ chain migration chain migration ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ chain migration and the people chain migration ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ now the chain migration them come for mother turn to sons and daughters wanna be in our nation ♪ >> all right, i'm sorry, all right. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: this guy. oh, gosh. that was a good laugh. january 30th, after the state of the union, you are going to a live show. a live -- >> i'm excited. >> jimmy: -- "daily show." >> state of the union address goes on, and then "the daily show's" gonna be live. i love live shows after trump speaks, because we don't know what he's going to say. no one knows what he's gonna do, including himself, which i like. [ laughter ] no, 'cause i feel like we're all in the same place. he's also like, "nobody know -- even me, baby." [ laughter ] nobody knows! it's exciting. i love it. so state of -- you know, state of the union, we're gonna be going live which is really, really exciting. we'll see what he says. i feel like everyone, democrats, republicans, i don't care who you are. everyone is clinching their butt cheeks while he speaks. [ laughter ] 'cause it could be anything. he could start a war or he could make peace. you don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, you really have no idea, do you? >> "little rocket man -- is a friend." you don't know. [ laughter ] you don't know. so that's gonna be fun. >> jimmy: oh, you guys. trevor noah right here. [ cheers and applause ] "the daily show." say hi to everyone for me, will you? >> thank you so much, man. thanks for having me again,
jimmy. >> jimmy: 11:00 pm, comedy central. trevor noah. we'll be back with dakota fanning, everybody. oh, you're great. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ( ♪ ) with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ )
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>> jimmy: thank you for coming back. >> how are you? thanks for having me. >> jimmy: everything, everything well? how are you? >> yeah, everything's great, yeah. really good. >> jimmy: welcome back, to new york city. >> thank you. >> jimmy: 'cause i know that you -- you've lived here for several years. but you were just in budapest. shooting the -- >> "the alienist" yeah. >> jimmy: "the alienist." did you enjoy it? did you like it there? >> i loved it. i loved it. i -- we were filming from march to september of last year. and -- >> jimmy: that's a long time. >> it was a long time. it was the only thing made me nervous about doing it. 'cause i loved the show and the character and the people. but that was a long time to be away from home. >> jimmy: was it like a a cultural shock there? i mean, like, how was the food? >> you know, i -- i am budapest's number one fan. like, i absolutely loved it and i miss it every single day. truly. i really do. but, yes, there are some -- there are some things, they are -- they are a little bit -- the way it, like on a menu -- what it says there is the way it's going to come to you. you know?
whether you like it or not. >> jimmy: so, there's no american that's like, "can you substitute the --" >> well, see i am a sub -- i am a a substituter. like, i am always saying no this, add this, this dressing. like, in a nice way, but i do do that. >> jimmy: i know. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> and i went to this like, little thai place. where you can get like, a pad thai, fried rice, whatever and you pick your different bases. so, it's like a brown rice base or a vegetable base. but the vegetables that are in vegetable base are different than the individual vegetables that you can put in a brown rice base. >> jimmy: i would walk out. >> so -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i would, absolutely. >> i was like, i went in and i planned. i'm like -- so, i think about these things, i plan them out, like, really -- >> jimmy: see, that's what you should do. when you're waiting in line -- >> no, but that's what i did. so i wait -- >> jimmy: i hate when people are like waiting in line and then they get up and they are like, "can i try the -- rippled strawberry cream." >> no, no, i was like -- planned my orders -- >> jimmy: -- you waited all this time to try? >> -- two days in advance. >> jimmy: no, i want people to -- get up to the counter and order. >> so i'm there, and i say, i think i have the br -- the great idea of i'll just have the two bases and just add chicken. and that was met with a a resounding -- hard no.
>> jimmy: wait, so you go like, can i have base? both bases? >> i was like, yeah. i want -- can i get the brown rice base and then just, the vegetable base too? and i'll add chicken to that. no, no, no, no. and i was like, oh, i'll pay you -- i'll pay you for two bases. >> jimmy: two bases, yeah. i'll go -- let's get a third -- >> still no. still no. >> jimmy: no? they wouldn't do it? >> it was still a no, yeah. but i kept going back -- i kept going back. >> jimmy: let me talk to your manager. [ light laughter ] >> it's okay, i just had to go through and like, they never -- and they, yeah. >> jimmy: i heard -- >> i just picked and choose my vegetables. >> jimmy: i heard that you overpacked. how many suitcases -- >> i did not overpack. i packed -- >> jimmy: this is the word on the street. >> -- very accordingly for a a six months trip. >> jimmy: six months. >> i had nine suitcases. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know, man. i think that's like -- >> but -- okay, so i have nine suitcases. >> jimmy: nine suitcases? >> which sounds like a lot. >> jimmy: what would you put in nine suitcases? >> well, i had two suitcases that were just toiletries. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. you're like -- >> because -- >> jimmy: 'cause budapest is so unique. >> i had six months of -- [ laughter ] i had six months of like the
soap that i like the use. six months worth. so i didn't know if they would have it. and shipping things there -- >> jimmy: probably not. i don't know -- is it a weird is it an odd soap? can you say what soap you use? >> epicuren tropical lave. send it my way. >> jimmy: epicuren? >> i love it. >> jimmy: tropical lave? >> yeah, it smells like coconut. it's so good. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: epicuren tropical lave. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: i guess it's a bar. >> it's not, it's a -- it's a a liquid. like in a tube. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> so i had -- i had that, that took up a lot of room. four of those. >> jimmy: i don't do the shower gels anymore. i think i'm done with the shower gels. i think it's a fad. [ laughter ] >> this one is really amazing. this one like, you smell like, tropical lave. >> jimmy: no, no, no, you're going to end up going back to that bar. see if epicuren can make a bar of tropical -- [ laughter ] wait, so you can -- you flew with liquid in your suitcase? well, how do you get past -- >> i checked it. nine suitcases were checked. >> jimmy: ah, genius. [ laughter ] >> under the airplane they go. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. all right. so you got the epicuren tropical -- this is fantastic, you brought it to --
i love that you needed nine -- but, did your mom leave the notes in your suitcase? >> oh, well, i had to call my mom to help me pack for six months because i get packing anxiety. >> jimmy: thank you, mom. >> as it it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so my mom, flew to new york to help me pack. and she's the reason i have nine suitcases, by the way. >> jimmy: yeah, that's what moms do. they're like, oh, you got to have this a -- tropical lave, yeah. [ laughter ] >> but there was -- my nine suitcases were chock-full of my mom's notes. >> jimmy: cause you -- we talked about it last year. your mom leaves little notes and hides them, like, in your shoes and stuff like that. so, you find them -- >> oh, they fall out, like, all the time. i was finding them over the course of six months. it was -- it was great. >> jimmy: see, i'm going to do that to my kids. >> it was so sweet, you should. >> jimmy: here's one note that you -- 'cause -- do you have any photos, and here's a picture of one note said, "dakota, always think of others and be kind. love you and proud of you. momma." [ audience aws ] come on, we love you. >> wow, yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i love your, momma. how cute is that? are you kidding me? give her -- give her our best, will you? >> i will, for sure. >> jimmy: let's talk about "the alienist." >> yes. >> jimmy: i read a third of this book. [ laughter ] that's a lot for me. >> yeah, yeah.
>> jimmy: yeah, i have a.d.d. and i just go onto another book. but it's fantastic. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you want to set up and tell everyone what it's about, i mean this is, 1890 -- >> set in 1896, new york city. >> jimmy: teddy roosevelt. >> teddy roosevelt, is the police commissioner so it's sort of, that era -- in the city. an alienist is, an old-fashioned term for a a psychologist. this is kind of, when sci -- it's the birth of psychology. it's the birth of forensics and so daniel bruhl plays dr. kreizler, who is the alienist. and my character, sara howard, is the first female to work for the new york police department. and then luke evans plays an illustrator for "the new york times." and we sort of come together to form this under the table investigative team to hunt down this serial killer that's murdering young boys in the city. and we're kind of working through the corruption within the police department, and the inequality in the city during that time. and the, kind of, new inventions that are happening all over the place. >> jimmy: it's nasty -- it was nasty back then. >> it was, it was. and so we really, we had such a a great team of people, who
created new york city and all the way in budapest. it was amazing. >> jimmy: why would -- go to budapest to create new york city? when you live in new york city. >> i know, right? [ laughter ] you know, if you saw our sets and the back lots that we were able to build there you would understand. and also some of the real streets that we were able to use in budapest. there are some amazing buildings and architecture that really suited, especially upper-class new york city. that still exists in hungary, so. >> jimmy: how fun. i cannot wait. i want to show everyone a clip here. here's dakota fanning in "the alienist." take a look at this. [ typing ] >> miss. >> john moore. >> hello? >> what are you doing here? >> i've -- we've come to see the commissioner. sara and i -- >> i am ms. howard. an employee of the new york police department. you will please accord me the respect that my position demands. >> our families have long been acquainted. >> ms. howard is the first woman to hold a positon with the police department. >> excellent, perhaps ms. howard can help arrange an
impromptu meeting with the commissioner. >> and how should i help do that? with my especially rosy mouth? or my sparkling blue eyes? >> sara, i did not -- >> ms. howard. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: dakota fanning, dakota fanning, everybody! the series premiere of "the alienist" is monday night at 9:00 p.m. on tnt. we'll be right back with stand-up from jeff dye! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this this this this is my body of proof. proof of less joint pain and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can take on psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the #1 prescribed biologic
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my next guest traveled europe alongside henry winkler william shatner, terry bradshaw, and george foreman. you can follow their journey on the nbc series "better late than never" monday nights at 9:00 pm, here on nbc. please welcome back the very funny jeff dye, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much. it's great to be back on "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] yes. what can i tell you? i am single. [ cheers ] yeah. i had a girlfriend and then she was like, "i want to get married and have babies." and i was like, "you've changed. [ laughter ] this is not the woman i met."
used to be happy with fish stick friday, and now -- [ light laughter ] i do well with the ladies. at first, because i'm fun. but what happens is they have a a lot of fun with me, and then they get really frustrated and they snap. and they're always like, "god, why can't you be serious? you're so immature." and i'm like, "eh, you're so immature." [ blows raspberry ] [ laughter ] of course i'm immature. there is no reason to grow up when you're me. right? i'm at work right now. does that blow anyone else's mind? [ laughter ] this is me being professional. [ applause ] yeah, i'm working five minutes tonight. drunk. [ laughter ] i'm only dressed like this because "the tonight show" made me. [ light laughter ] i spent my whole day like an eight-year-old with cash. i love video games and pro wrestling. once a week i throw up because i ate too much candy. i'm an idiot.
you know? i don't even want a a girlfriend, to be honest. i just want, like, a hot baby sitter. just a beautiful woman that's like, "when you're done playing donkey kong, let's have sex." and i'm like, "okay." [ light laughter ] "let me just find a save barrel." [ light laughter ] like, the other day i was on an airplane, and there was an empty seat next to me. and then i hoped that a a beautiful woman would sit in the seat, and we would hit it off, and that would be, like, our story. but instead the flight attendant brought a 5-year-old little boy. [ light laughter ] she plopped him in the seat. she buckled him in. and then she leaned over, she goes, "all right, when the plane lands, a lady dressed like me is gonna take to you your parents. but 'til then, just sit tight." and then she left. [ laughter ] she left me with a child. i don't know anything about childs, right? [ laughter ] like, kids, you know what i mean.
so i was scared. and i looked over at him and he was, like, really scared. he was like, visually wrecked. he was like, gripping the sides of the seat, and he's looking straight down. and i wanted to let him know that there wasn't nothing to be afraid of. so i tried to start a a conversation with him. and i was like, "hey, buddy, you're flying all by yourself, huh?" and he was like -- [ light laughter ] i was like, "you're like a real adult." he's like, "hm." [ laughter ] now i thought he was gonna say stuff back to me. [ laughter ] so i'm uncomfortable. i don't know what to do. so what i decided to do was tell a joke. 'cause that's how i make people like me in real life, is with jokes. so i try a joke. but i didn't know, little kids don't get all the jokes. [ laughter ] but i tried. and i was like, "so what do you do for a living? are you a doctor?" and he looked up at me. he's like -- [ laughter ] "no." i was like, "well, that was a a joke, stupid." [ laughter ] so now my feelings are hurt, right?
so i was like, "forget him. i don't need this guy. i don't care. he's the one being a baby about the plane." i put my headphones on. screw him. i don't need him. [ light laughter ] and then after a like, a few seconds, i felt a tiny little tug on my shirt. and i look down, and he's trying to strike up a a conversation with me. [ audience aws ] i take my headphones off. i was like, "yeah?" and he goes, "um, did you like the movie 'a bug's life'?" [ audience aws ] i was like, "uh, i loved 'a bug's life.'" [ laughter ] we had the best conversation i've ever had in my life! [ cheers and applause ] it was insane! we talked about how many times we saw it. who we saw it with. who our favorite characters are. we're doing impressions back and forth. we're having a great time. right? and the whole reason i share this story is because about minute fifteen of the conversation, i started to panic. like, is this where i am maturity-wise? [ laughter ] i've had millions of conversations with adults. never once enjoyed it as my first conversation with a baby.
right? [ light laughter ] so i'm actually rooting for this conversation to end. just to prove to myself i'm a a man. so after about 25, 30 minutes -- [ laughter ] the conversation ramps down and i'm like, "all right, good. i'm a man. he's a kid. we're good." i put my headphones back on. no sweat. but he wasn't done talking, evidently. 'cause immediately i feel another little tug. i was like, "yeah?" and he goes, "um, jeff, do you like quesadillas?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] "i love quesadillas!" we're right back in it. it was insane. i had no idea little kids were so awesome. i was like -- kid got off the plane, i felt like i lost a a friend. [ audience aws ] i was like, should we exchange information? he's like, "i don't have information." [ laughter ] how cool is that? no i.d., no smartphone.
he's just rogue. [ laughter and applause ] you guys have been great. thank you so much! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hey! hey, that was great. jeff dye! [ cheers and applause ] jeff dye. for more on jeff, visit jeffdye.com. we'll be right back, everybody. that was great. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to trevor noah, dakota fanning. jeff dye, once again. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- jordan peele, from "the commuter," actor, patrick wilson, comedian, lewis black, featuring the 8g band with allison miller. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night"! how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. former white house press secretary, sean spicer, said yesterday that oprah winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. [ laughter ]